#9 Pick Up The Pieces
~ 7 minute read time ~
If you’re in a tough spot right now, this article is for you. I want you to feel better. Let these words be a balm for whatever ails you.
Whatever is troubling you just sit with it. Before reaching for whatever normally props you up in these situations, whether it’s reaching for the cookie jar, a bottle of wine, a takeaway, a pointless purchase or something worse - these things are temporary and will not make you feel better.
Ok they might for a short period, you’ll get that little hit of dopamine and then… you’ll feel crappy afterwards because you’re still having to deal with that thing AND now you’re feeling guilt because you’ve over-indulged in something that has not helped.
If it’s an emotional issue, just try and feel it - no matter how tough or horrible it may seem. Just take a moment, breathe, work it through in your mind. Better still, go for a walk in nature if you can, if you live in a city then try the nearest park. Walking and thinking go together brilliantly, the greatest philosophers in history often pondered and argued their positions whilst walking.
If you’re raw from an argument or grieving with a sense of loss, whatever that loss may be, try and be quiet with the situation if you can. Before falling back into those old habits that can lead you to spiral, just stop, for a second. Don’t pour any petrol onto the fire.
Try and pick up the pieces of hope, of learning - there is always something to learn in difficulty. It may not seem like it now, but this bad moment is exactly all it is - a moment. You can plot your way out of this. If appropriate seek some advice, share it. If you verbalise your issue, it’s out there and putting something like this into words helps to reduce its mental impact. It’s why swearing when you’ve hammered a finger helps reduce the sense of pain slightly.
You may not have control over what has happened but you have complete control over how you choose to react. That’s a powerful truth that the Stoics would discuss.
“If you are pained by any external thing, it is not this thing that disturbs you, but your own judgement about it. And it is in your power to wipe out this judgement now.”
If we were always pained by external events then life will mostly revolve around suffering. Many things happen that can trigger us and we rarely have control over them, so by choosing our reaction to such events enables us to take our power back.
In sports, the best athletes or players will move on quickly from a previous mistake. A missed target or bad pass could have the potential to spoil that player’s match or season if they really let it get to them, but they compartmentalise it - file it away in the “lessons learned” cabinet and move on quickly.
The inspirational Head Coach of Bristol Bears rugby team, Pat Lam tells his players that “We either win, or we learn”. This is such a positive and powerful message. It encourages players to be courageous and try things in a match. This can be applied in normal life, in any situation - we can either win or learn. If you assume you’ve lost, then you’re ignoring the learning experience and there’s often a silver-lining in cloudy moments.
If you have behaved in a way that has caused offence, pain or embarrassment either for yourself or others then just accept it. Own it, feel the discomfort and let your higher self deal with it as opposed to your ego. Your ego will tell you that you’re the injured party and everyone else is the aggressor and at fault.
Pick up the pieces - show that you’re compassionate, kind and willing to learn. Choose not to wallow and feel sorry for yourself, you’re not a petulant toddler any more. Adult tantrums are not going to help fix it.
Don’t allow a bad situation to feed into any negative narratives you’ve been telling yourself for a long time. This is what I always used to do, and I suffered for it. If you haven’t responded well in a given moment, that’s fine - do what needs to be done to make amends and move on, it’ll free you from suffering and it’ll free others from suffering too.
“Oh I messed up this time because I always screw things up, I’m such a *&%$#”
“Why do I always do this sh!t?”
“I’m broken so I never react the right way”
Negative self-speak is awful, imagine speaking to anyone else the way you speak to yourself? It wouldn’t be tolerated, it’d be considered abusive. So why then do we accept that nagging voice in our heads? Be kinder to yourself, stop berating yourself - we all make mistakes. Yours are no worse than anyone else’s.
Pick up the pieces, dust yourself off, lift your head up, deal with the situation and move on. It’s done. And once it’s done, don’t come back to it - it’s already in the past. Take the lessons learned and let it allow you to be better next time there’s a testing situation. There’s always another opportunity and you’ll handle it differently next time.
If you pick up the pieces for yourself often enough, you’ll soon become skillful in how to handle difficult situations with finesse and kindness. You’ll be better and others will ask you how you do it, you’ll inspire others to do the same.
You’ve done well, you’ve taken the pain and discomfort and it hasn’t affected you like it would’ve before. You’re growing. And you didn’t rely on the usual tricks to numb your pain. You didn’t drink that bottle of wine, you didn’t spend a fortune on retail therapy, you didn’t binge a huge takeaway - I mean, you can still do those things of course, but through choice not because of a painful emotional need.
And that my dear friend, is how you claim your personal power. If you can endure the discomfort with grace, and like water off a duck’s back, you can progress undamaged and unhindered, you’ll always be in a good place regardless of what external events may occur.
See? I promised that you’d feel better.
Love
LP x
