#10 You Are Not Broken
~ 15 minute read time ~
You are not broken. Regardless of whatever you tell yourself about your past, you may have certain unresolved issues which you can address over time but you are most definitely not broken.
Stop. That. Shit. Now.
Your inner voice, that can sometimes be so cruel, that knows all your weaknesses and works on them until you give in, it’s full of shit. It is the result of an overly active self-preservation mechanism that is millions of years old. It was designed through the process of evolution to protect you from threats - real or perceived. As humans evolved through time, this piece of kit - your brain/mind, has not really changed much from early humankind.
We’re not too far removed from our Neanderthal cavemen cousins, we’re really not. Ok we now have WiFi, espresso machines and social media but emotionally, we’re still fairly primitive.
“It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.”
Even with us all being more “connected” than ever before, there are more lonely and isolated people, social media often creates the opposite outcome - it divides us rather than unites us. Petty squabbles online. Look at how opinions on Brexit were manipulated through Machiavellian (and arguably illegal) methods, every post carefully designed to pull at our unspoken fears, how nuance was completely removed and it was either “in or out”, “patriot vs traitor” - ridiculous.
Look how advertising and marketing works. It’s all created to show us how we’re not enough as we are, how this shiny new car will “complete” you or buy this make-up because deep down you know you’re ugly and you need this! Buy this protein shake because you’re weak and you want to be ripped right?!
Bollocks, it’s all bollocks. We barely need any of it.
You need to know you’re not broken, you don’t need material things to cover up your deficiencies. For most of my life, I thought I was broken and damaged goods. I was surprised when people were nice to me, because I could see no value in myself whatsoever. I was suspicious of anyone enquiring about me - why? What do you want? Sadly, it caused a lot of pain and suffering.
It’s true that what you reap is what you sow. I sent out vibes that I was sad, broken and in desperate need of acceptance and validation. The result of an emotionally abusive childhood. An angry father who visited his own pain on those around him and a controlling mother who wanted me to be too safe, at the expense of filling my head with fear - “don’t do this or that”, “stop daydreaming and pay attention silly boy!”, “you did this you soppy date” etc. This was my story. My narrative was that all my friends were better than me, their parents were kinder, no wonder I struggled when I had this false tale spinning around my head all the time.
I couldn’t accept praise, I was shy, most of my decision making in life was hesitant and fear-based. Any mistake I berated myself for. I have always played within myself, I have never put myself out there. I’ve put too much on others for my own happiness. I spend far too much time overthinking things and even for simple decisions I suffer from analysis paralysis. Heaven forbid there’s a big menu at a restaurant.
Then I realised I had to change my story. Change the messages to yourself. Start showing up for yourself in the most positive way you can muster. Fake it to begin with if you have to, it’ll start to feel real once you truly buy into it. Become your own cheerleader - YES GO YOU! YOU FRICKIN SMASHED IT.
The world needs you and it needs your story. If you see the news and feel down about how shit everything is, hang in there. Someone who feels so deeply like you, and me, we must start picking ourselves and others like us up. The last 4-5 years has felt like a real kick in the proverbials. The world seems to have become more polarised, divisive and mean. I feel politically homeless these days, I don’t feel I’m represented any more. I believe in decency, kindness and honesty - which is not en vogue in politics these days.
Stop telling yourself that you’re broken, stop acting like the sad person, stop moping around and start showing up. Do the small things to start building yourself up, eat more healthily - food is information, if you put junk into your body what message is that telling your body? Start with self-love, thank yourself for your resilience, show yourself gratitude.
Honestly, it’s not selfish if you take care of yourself first for once. It’s empowering and it’s sexy as hell. You know those people who seem really confident and comfortable in their own skin? They emit a vibe, a feeling - they send out the message that “This is who I am, I’m fully cool with myself, come on in the water is lovely” - it’s so magnetic and inspiring. You can be that. It’s in the choices you make.
To exercise or not?
To eat the whole pack of biscuits or maybe eat some fruit instead?
To be kind to myself or not?
To walk or drive?
To show my face or hide away?
To choose negative or positive?
Lean towards the light or dark?
Incrementally, you can slowly metamorphose from the meek little caterpillar, via a chrysalis form - the awakening, healing, growing phase will open your eyes to what is possible which will lead you to fully realise your dream of being that effervescent, beautiful butterfly. It’s not about trying to become a good person, you already are - it’s about identifying and healing the parts of you that need it and then fully becoming what you’re capable of. Who knows what you’ve got deep inside you?
It all starts with changing your beliefs about yourself. As Tony Robbins says “change your story, change your life”. That is all our beliefs are - they’re a collection of stories we’ve told ourselves, repeatedly over a long period of time. That’s why it’s so hard to change them, they’re ingrained almost into our very fabric. It’s hard, I will not lie to you. Only until the pain becomes almost unbearable do we decide to finally awaken.
I hit rock-bottom - a divorce, depression, quit the job I hated, felt scared and alone and unwanted. This was one way of looking at my story.
Another way was that I’d disentangled myself from a marriage that wasn’t working, I had to learn what pain was and find out what my lowest level was. I had to become so sick and tired of feeling fearful that I knew change was my only option. The idea of ending it all had often crossed my mind but I just couldn’t do it for whatever reason. I had such a low opinion of me that I didn’t even trust myself to do that properly. If you are genuinely having similar thoughts of suicidal ideation - stop. Call mind.org.uk or your GP or the Samaritans, confide in an understanding friend. I know you want the pain to stop, but it’s another false story told to you from your overbearing ego. You can change this story. Give yourself a chance to try again and know that happier and lighter times are coming.
Was I alone and unwanted? Maybe in some people’s eyes but I chose my solitude. Once I moved out of the family home, I knew I needed somewhere to live, heal and grow and re-design my life on my terms. I found a light, comfortable apartment in a lovely village where I could go for long walks in the countryside to aid this process.
I did the hard yards. I was faced with having to deal with myself. The problem was, I could go anywhere I wanted but wherever I went - there I was. Oh you again?! Sigh. That’s when I realised I had to turn inwards, face my fears, all the pain and dig up all the shit that I held to be true. Those self-limiting beliefs many of us perpetuate.
It was uncomfortable. I started to realise that I had to be ok with the discomfort, sit with it and not judge it. Own it. It’s too much for many people, that’s why we hit the bottle, the needle, the add to cart button, the comfort food, the bad relationships etc - just to distract us from feeling this darkness. It’s tough and I have nothing but sympathy and love for people who struggle to deal with it.
Please don’t judge people. Most of all don’t judge yourself. Judgement is a terrible thing. It serves no purpose in a positive mindset whatsoever. Look at the horrible trashy media, don’t buy those papers or mags. Celebrities have pain too, if you read the gossip mags - imagine how you’d feel at your most vulnerable, with your rolls of fat on display, or your worst nightmares publicised for people to lap up. Choose not to be a part of it. It’s vulgar, selling other peoples’ pain for profit? We’re better than that.
Take those tentative steps through your darkness, it’s scary and it’s full of dragons and demons, but walk towards them and greet the fears as if they were your friends. This is where the magic happens. Those horrible demons? As soon as you bring awareness and light to them, they disappear. You’ve starved them of the thing they need to be sustained. All they are is a phantom projection in your mental cinema. Awareness is the key. Be aware. Stop living unconsciously. I lived the first 40 years of my life on autopilot and it was awful.
I was so riddled with fear that I never made key decisions with positive intentions, I wouldn’t take ownership or accountability so I let others do it for me. I thought it was great when I was young that other people did stuff for me, thanks very much. I was lazy. I thought it was cool not to try. If I didn't try then I couldn’t fail! Bullshit. By doing this you give away your freedom, you give away your right to make choices for yourself. You give others power over you.
Put yourself out there. Be prepared to fail, and fail again and again. Don’t be embarrassed, don’t be self-conscious - stop giving a shit what other people think. If you start showing up like this, people will start to take notice. People will be attracted to your new found energy. As soon as you step into the unknown, the path will rise to meet your feet, things start to flow for you. But you have to take that first step for yourself… And that’s the difficult part. It’s like when you go abseiling down a cliff or bungee jumping for the first time. You just can’t take that step. It feels like death. What if… [scream emoji]
Keep repeating your story and your old patterns then life will stay the same. If this sounds like comfort to you, great - stay as you are.
If staying the same becomes more painful than the need to change, that’s when you’ll start to do something about it. Change your story, change your life. Life starts when we begin living outside of our comfort zones.
You are not broken. You never have been broken. You are whole as you are, you just need to see it and believe it. Take a chance on yourself. Be your own Dragon’s Den investor, back yourself. Put your money into experiences, not things - you’ll be able to look back at all the wonderful things you did and not have a house full of tat. Hit the button, turn the chair around and choose yourself. Give yourself permission to be you, completely you and no-one else’s idea of you. Write your own story, you’ll write it better than anyone else can.
Become your own best friend because wherever you go, you’ll be there and that’s a beautiful thing.
Start now…
Love
LP x
