#33 What You Resist Persists
~ 5 minute read time ~
How often do you find yourself in situations where you say to yourself…
“Really? This nonsense again?”
Do you find you tend to repeat unwanted cycles or patterns, then wondering what is wrong with me? Well the good news is, it’s probably because you’re in resistance and all you need to do is let go.
The bad news is you’re in resistance and you need to let go!
Recently, I read a short yet brilliantly wise book, on the recommendation of my great friend (thank you James!) called ‘Working On Yourself Doesn’t Work’ by Ariel & Shya Kane. It’s a short tome at 130 pages but it packs a spiritual punch.
Their theory of ‘Instantaneous Transformation’ is based on three simple ideas:
What you resist persists and grows stronger.
You can only be exactly as you are in the moment.
Anything you allow to be exactly as it is completes itself.
Sounds simple enough?
Yes in theory, but many people cling on in fear of what’s to come. Even if clinging on perpetuates misery, our dear egos much prefer the familiar whereas our intuition, our gut instinct wants us to act and when the two are in conflict it creates that feeling of being ‘stuck’.
For example, you may be in a relationship where neither of you is happy, yet you both hang on - for what? You probably know you were done a long time ago but your mind wanders down an imaginary future avenue, you think it through a bit and your mind, which evolution has shown, has a strong negativity bias leans towards the fearful putting blockers in your way. Spend enough time thinking and you’ll always talk yourself out of it.
“He/she will change if we just rough it out.”
“What about the kids/house/friends/dog/car/in laws?”
Or like me, it may be that you’ve stayed in a job/career for far too long because you fear the alternative of trying something else and testing yourself. Like juggling a hot potato, the pain comes from holding on too long.
Most of us humans are not very good at endings. It should be part of the school curriculum, a class on “Emotional Intelligence & How to End Things Well” - imagine a life where we leave situations, people, jobs in such a positive way that we leave a trail of goodwill instead of resentment and bad memories?
So what we resist persists then, because it’s like trying to put out a fire by blowing on it. You think you’re helping but you’re just fanning the flames towards a bigger inferno. Fire needs oxygen.
Instead of receiving some news and instantly taking a position against it, why not allow it to be without resisting it right off the bat? By being in a state of resistance it gives energy to the thing you’re trying to resist.
The issue is in the avoidance of negative situations. Strength comes from facing up to difficult challenges, handling them and then letting it go. Some people stick their heads in the sand and hope it’ll all blow over, others procrastinate to avoid a feared outcome or others sort of half-face issues but then cling on to the unintended consequences by running it over and over and over in their minds afterwards, creating tales of woe and building a sense of victimhood around events.
If we treat our minds like a muscle, we have to work it out and train it like we would at the gym. If we wish for our biceps to be stronger, we do heavy reps putting that muscle under stress, then the muscle repairs itself bigger and stronger - that’s the desired ‘training effect’.
By dealing with challenges and difficulties more openly, as opposed to being closed off and fearful, you can create a graceful flow in your life. Instead of worrying if you’re up to the task, deal with it as you find it and don’t add the unnecessary extra sprinkle of anger, fear or worry on top.
“Never wish life were easier, wish you were better.”
If you have a metaphorical dripping tap in your life, fix it or ask for help to repair it - don’t ignore it so it gushes and causes other issues.
In the book Freakonomics by Steven D. Levitt & Stephen J. Dubner there’s a chapter about how severe crime rates in New York City dropped sharply in the early 1990s. The Broken Windows Theory was adopted by the new mayor, Rudolph Giuliani in 1994. The idea was that by repairing broken windows, removing graffiti and other visible signs of petty crime every night it would encourage the atmosphere of order and lawfulness, thus preventing more serious crimes
I was thinking how this might be applied into our daily lives, in terms of dealing with the minor annoyances that we keep putting off that then spiral into bigger issues. What if we took a more proactive approach in facing and handling these smaller problems as they arise, building our resilience and mental muscles so that when the bigger stuff comes up - we’re in great shape mentally to handle it and it feels less overwhelming?
The more often we face up to adversity and deal with things, the more we tell our subconscious, through action, that we can do difficult things and survive.
Often we say “oh I’ll feel better once I’ve done x, y or z”, what if we flipped it round and set the intention of feeling good first before doing the thing? By doing it that way round, it puts us firmly in charge of our internal state and means our feelings/emotions are not so reliant on external factors.
If we can change the equation to “I feel good now so I’ll do x, y or z” we’re not tying our happiness to the outcome - we’re rewiring our thoughts and behaviours so that we create our experience of the world, as opposed to reactively choosing how we feel as the result of an event - because the latter means we’ll always live on an emotional rollercoaster.
I’ve always been a World Class Procrastinator which has caused me a lot of discomfort in the past. I would find every single thing to do as a distraction from actually doing the thing I should be doing - making tea, doodling, re-arranging my record collection, scrolling through websites etc.
Procrastination in itself is not a bad thing, the emotion around it is where the harm is caused. I’d always feel bad for having wasted time. Often the thing I was distracting myself from, wasn’t actually that difficult or unpleasant - it was just that I’d already created a sense of resistance around wanting to do it, hence the procrastination.
One thing I’ve always found to be true is that, it’s never as bad as you think it’ll be. Just being less resistant to life, reduces the space for fear and doubt to creep in which, over time, adds to the sense of anxiety around the future.
Stop resisting and just address it, face it, tidy up, do the thing that you think you’re scared of, take care of the little annoyances and the bigger ones will look after themselves.
You’re probably going to have to do the thing anyway, so what’s the point in bringing anxiety, fear and worry to the party?
“Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.”
Love
LP x
Resources
Books:
Working on Yourself Doesn’t Work - Ariel & Shya Kane
Freakonomics - Steven D. Levitt & Stephen J. Dubier
Links:
Broken Windows Theory (1982) - James Q. Wilson & George L. Kelling
