#26 The Power of No
~ 5 minute read time ~
No.
No is a powerful word isn’t it? No on its own is a complete sentence. Often you’ll hear a smarmy salesperson suggest that ‘No is just the start of a negotiation!’ However, it’s not just the end of the conversation if used correctly, it’s also the setting of a healthy boundary.
If you find yourself feeling frazzled a lot, especially now What With One Thing and Another™, it may be because you haven’t discovered the power of no. Or if you’ve tried before but still find yourself doing too many things you don’t want to be doing, then you need to re-discover and commit to your nos.
Saying no is not negative, it’s telling people what you will and will not do and that means you can stop being a such people pleaser at the expense of yourself. Remember the oft-used, yet still quite helpful, oxygen mask analogy!
You can still be there to help others, but it should not be at the expense of your own wellbeing. It’s not selfish, because if you’re not feeling great in yourself then the quality of your contributions to others will suffer and that will then lead to a tangled mess of guilt, shame, stress and possibly anger.
It’s also not just about saying no, it’s also fully committing to the no. Once you’ve decided to say no, don’t try and justify it afterwards and do not apologise for it either. This is not arrogance. A polite no with a smile and eye contact conveys everything it needs to and is stronger than…
“I’m so sorry I can’t because I’ve got the kids plus work have got me doing extra hours yada yada yada… but maybe once all that’s done I could help?”
All the other person hears is the ‘maybe’ which in their minds is closer to a yes than a no, so you get roped in to doing something you really don’t want to do.
The time comes round for you to do it, you feel resistance about doing it because you know you should’ve said no but you’re a good person so you show up. It leads to an argument with a partner around childcare or another broken promise you’d totally forgotten about but you don’t want to let people down! Double-booked again!
Then you show up to find out what the thing really entails, and it feels like you’re being taken advantage of because it’s not what the friend who asked made it sound like. You get cross with yourself, feel resentful towards the friend who asked and you end up not really helping anyway because you were not in the right frame of mind, you’ve also lost your only spare evening and you know you shouldn’t be there in the first place.
This situation could’ve been nipped in the bud right at the point of asking. Be kind enough to yourself by being confident in saying no. Also, have the trust in your friend that saying no this once will not break the bond of friendship nor will there be any negative judgement thereafter. Remember, everyone is fighting some kind of battle you know nothing about.
“What other people think of me is none of my business.”
Based on recent events, I think there is a prevailing sense of empathy for others in all situations. Key workers, parents home schooling, teachers having to provision lessons in constantly changing seas of new information at zero notice, home workers, supermarket workers, people living alone, separated or divorced parents shuttling kids between households - everyone is doing the best they can with what they have.
Often a no can be the kindest thing to say as it’s honest. A no can lead to a better yes later on. How often have you said yes to something, then another opportunity arises that would’ve suited you much better but now you’re tied up in the other thing?
No is not causing resistance in your life, it creates space and flow for better things to unfold. A flower doesn’t bloom in winter because there’s not enough light, they wait until spring or summer when the sun really enables them to flourish. Say no with confident prudence, you’ll be choosing your experience based on your values and not other people’s.
A good no is better than a bad yes!
You may find certain aspects of life becoming a little bit easier, repeated obstacles will just fall away or seem more manageable. You feel more ‘lucky’ because your yeses are better and more affirmative towards opportunities that are appreciably more aligned with you.
You won’t stop being a great friend, a hard worker, a caring parent, a loving partner/spouse, loyal sibling or a decent person by saying no.
Paradoxically, you’ll find people start respecting you more because you’ve begun setting clear boundaries where before things were messy. Unclear boundaries lead to messy relationships.
It also shows that you love and trust these people enough to handle the no, so that they can then move on more quickly and find an alternative that would actually serve them better.
No is a kindness to both yourself and others. Give it a go!
NO! 🙂
Love
LP x
