#1 A Near-Life Experience

~ 20 minute read ~

I had a near-death experience recently.

It wasn’t a car crash.

It wasn’t an accidental blow to the head.

It wasn’t an attack or violent in any way.

It wasn’t even a near-miss health scare.

It was the realisation that I’d spent 20 years anchored to a life doing work that served no purpose.

Ok, it might sound overly dramatic to call this a ‘near-death’ experience but it was to me. A long, slow death - the worst kind. Dying everyday.

I’d so absorbed all of the programming and messaging that we’re all subjected to from as soon as we’re born until… Until… Until…

Well, until you awaken from your zombified, unconscious existence and realise that you’d reached a point in life and you had no idea how you got there? If you’re reading this and thinking that’s not you, then I wish you well and I’m so pleased you’re contented. You can stop reading now if you like, I don’t wish to take any more of your time away from your bliss. Thank you for your visit and all the very best!

[..]

Still here? If any of the above resonated with you let’s continue shall we?

I’m here for you and your transformation into who you truly are meant to be. So, my ‘near-death’ experience was blocking me, like how lead blocks Superman from being able to see through to what’s inside. And like Superman and his kryptonite, it was draining my life flow.

I kept trying to delude myself with the usual lies “it’s just a job”, “I’ll get my fun from my hobbies”, “I’ll live for the weekends” and this was on top of the ever-present Sunday evening funk. That horrible sense of helpless dread. The “oh no, tomorrow’s Monday” feeling. It ebbed and flowed. Some months were ok, some weeks were passable and some days it was almost intolerable.

I kept rationalising, “I need an income”, “if not this, then what?” THEN WHAT?! Then the fearful mindset would kick in and I’d tell myself I should feel grateful and lucky that I had a job. It meant I could buy things - a house, a car, stuff with which to fill the house. After all, that was what a good consumerist citizen should do right? It’s living the dream isn’t it?

Success is often defined as owning a house, a (leased/contract hire) car and 2.4 children? That’s the image we’re told is the dream at least. I thought this was what I wanted but it felt false. I disliked my job and my life situation, as it was then, so much that it started bleeding into all other aspects of my life. I began resenting the house because I had to have a mortgage hanging over me to ‘own’ it, the brand new car I so desired that when someone put a dent in it and I was devastated. 

I became angry all the time and made life miserable for me and anyone around me. I’d tried living the life I was sold in all the adverts, from my education, from my family. I felt like there something wrong with me, like I was broken. Who wouldn’t want this life?

Well, me - I didn’t want any of it. I just felt trapped.

Sadly, it has taken 41 years at a cost of a lot of suffering, a broken marriage (although grateful for the two wonderful children it gave me), a number of soulless jobs to finally realise that I’m a fish that’s been taught to try and climb trees all his life. No matter how hard I try, I’ll fail - even if I stick at it a little longer.

I’m a fish. I need to find my way to the ocean and swim freely. Then I’ll experience the flow.

Clearly I’m appropriating Albert Einstein’s famous quote:

“… if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.”

I stuck at it for so long because I thought that giving up would show me as weak, plus I needed to provide for my family. 

This Gandhi quote summed up how I felt about my futile plight: 

“Speed is irrelevant if you are going in the wrong direction.”

So what did I do about it?

Nothing for a long time. I thought things would work out, my mind would change over time, things would improve etc. Things didn’t change, I realised I couldn’t ‘think’ my way out of the situation, I had to start taking action.

That’s when I started making small yet sustainable changes. This then led to making some other changes, really difficult changes. I had no choice. It was time to “shit or get off the pot”. I realised I was going to die without even having fired a shot or swung the bat or thrown a punch or baked a cake - choose your preferred metaphor accordingly. Mmm, cake!

Anyway, I was overweight, riddled with physical pain - migraines, back and neck etc allied to emotional pain - stress, anxiety, anger.

I had to start somewhere so I made small changes initially, going for walks regularly. Adding in higher intensity workouts as I went along. I changed my diet, step-by-step - fewer carbs, more veg, less meat etc. I started taking a multivitamin and other supplements (magnesium complex, Ashwagandha, CBD oil). Started feeling better, healthier with more energy and clearer thinking towards problem solving. The fog was clearing.

The inner conundrum of being unhappy kept bubbling back to the surface though. I was so out-of-sorts and out of alignment with my true self that I was physically and emotionally bent out of shape. I was constantly stressed and angry, snapping at my wife and children. My inflammation was high, I ached most of the time, my ego was always in attack mode and overly sensitive to any perceived slights from others. I always played the victim. I identified with my ‘pain body’ - see Eckhart Tolle’s magnificent book ‘The Power of Now’ to learn more about this.

In short, I blew my life up.

I became so angry and sad that I pushed my wife into divorcing me. She had no other option. I’m so grateful to her for this, for letting me go. My divorce was my awakening. It was painful but I had to start taking full accountability. I’d been a nightmare to live with. I didn’t even like myself, how could I expect anyone else to?

It shows how muddled and in a rut I was, because we’d stopped communicating. It was easier to carry on living unconsciously, staring at our phones and hoping for something better to somehow manifest itself. I ended up provoking an argument one evening that I knew would be terminal. I wasn’t brave enough to end it properly with decency. I relied on my sub-conscious to do it for me. My instincts had been yearning for me to do something for years - I didn’t know what though! I’d changed jobs, still wasn’t happy. We had lots of family holidays. Still not happy. We renovated and extended our family home. Yikes, still not happy and now even more stressed because of how much it was all costing.

I’d been a passenger in my life for far too long. It was unfair on everyone. Finally, I decided to start ‘doing me’. I sat back and allowed her to file for divorce, just like I’d made her wait for so long that she proposed to me all those years before. I was just along for the ride, Mr. Passive aka Mr. Backseat Driver. I didn’t know what I wanted, she did. If you let someone else run your life, they will and you cannot complain when it doesn’t work out how you wanted.

I’d abdicated all responsibility. I was driven by fear of never being good enough. The fear of lack, the fear of not feeling like I should even try things, the fear of knowing I wasn’t enough. I’d put my wife up on a pedestal, I knew she was better than me so I let her lead. Except that she wasn’t better than me. No-one is better or worse than anyone else. She was, however, far braver than I was - or I should say, braver than my ego allowed me to be.

Before I’d even met her when I was 19, she was 17, she had survived cancer and knew exactly what she wanted out of life. I was a thoughtful yet shy, insecure and, for the most part, lazy boy. I say boy, because I’ve always felt like a little boy, worried about getting told off. It shows how these stories we tell ourselves can hold us back. My fear was the main plot point in my story.

The divorce finally forced me to face my fears, slowly and surely I began to unpick the threads of all my false narratives. I began to unlearn and uninstall a lot of the ‘bloatware’ that comes as part of the software programming of growing up in a Westernised Capitalist culture. This past 18 months I’ve read lots of books, meditated, asked the Universe for help, walked and run thousands of miles, listened to hours and hours of inspiring podcasts from people who I now consider my mentors - Tim Ferriss (The Tim Ferriss Show), Tony Robbins, Mike Tyson & Eben Britton (Hotboxin), Ryan Holiday (Daily Stoic), Dr. Mark Hyman (The Doctor’s Farmacy) etc.

That’s my point. All along I was crying out for some advice, a steer, a mentor. Someone to help me. In the end I had to find them in books, in podcasts, in YouTube videos and inspirational Instagram posts - yes those ones! I finally woke up and realised that what I needed all along was some wisdom and nurturing from a kind and genuine source. If I needed that, then there’s a good chance that others need the same - the odds are good, there are 7 billion of us on this planet. 7 billion different stories of pain, of triumph over adversity - if I can help some small proportion of that then I’ve found my purpose.

I guess you could call this my ‘Spiritual Coming Out’, to borrow an analogy from the gay community. I used to be embarrassed to talk about positivity, philosophy and spirituality because I didn’t want to sound ‘woo woo’ or ‘flaky’. I was in the spiritual closet as it were. Now I’m spiritually out and proud. Sorry, this analogy really is getting butchered.

I like to speak with people to see who is open and receptive to an exchange of ideas, an opportunity to improve, heal and grow. I’ve always struggled with small talk, now I’m mostly interested in real talk. Not every conversation is ripe for deep philosophical dives and that’s perfectly fine. In that situation, I keep it light using humour and that’s great. However, when I meet a likeminded soul I light up! As soon as I sense an opportunity to connect on a soul level and create light, that’s when I feel a zing. That Christmas Eve excitement!

And that my dear readers is how we get rid of the darkness that threatens to overtake us. Follow your bliss, it’s your duty to do the things that light you up, you’ll change your vibration and frequency then just watch out for all the wonderful things you’ll attract. People will notice and you’ll inspire others without even realising.

Try it, do whatever your thing is and REALLY DO IT WITH ALL YOUR BEING and observe the effect. It spreads like a neural network, like the synapses in your brain that fire when you form new habits. 

You become what you repeatedly do.

Start now and be consistent.

We’re not on this planet in this physical form for very long and then we pass along. Find what makes you you and just do it (thanks Nike!).

I’m just doing this very thing for myself now as I write. I’m finally putting myself out there, swinging the bat. I’m quitting my job and stepping into the unknown. Take a Leap of Faith and I hope to meet you there.

Love,

LP x