#37 Yeah But…
Image Credit: Adrien | 23 - Valuethe.Mind
Do you ever find yourself in a situation where you feel you have to defend yourself, or you’re desperately trying to make someone else see things from your perspective?
In those moments, do you feel like saying the words “yeah but…”? Are these also closely followed by “…it’s alright for you because…”?
May I politely suggest you stop it, stop it asap.
Ban these words from your vocabulary, because whenever you use the words “yeah but…” it inevitably leads to a whinging and defensive tirade about why life is so hard for you, why your problems are special and particularly difficult and NO-ONE UNDERSTANDS ME WAH, WAH, and indeed, WAH! Or maybe it’s just me? 🤔
“Yeah but…” absolves us from owning our stuff, it prevents us from trying because we lean into our deficiencies as a reason for not doing, or even trying, rather than working with what we’ve got.
“Yeah but…” is you putting barriers in front of yourself, keeping you from whatever it is you say you want.
“When we argue for our limitations, we get to keep them.”
- Evelyn Waugh
So, rather than waste precious oxygen defending your inability to even try something, why not re-purpose that energy and put it in service of striving for something you truly want?
Yes, it’ll be hard! Yes you might fail! Yes you may feel silly but you might just learn something - and that, dear reader, is a positive step away from something you don’t want, and a step closer to something you do want.
Every time you find yourself in a “Yeah but…” moment, take a beat and ask yourself what it might be that you’re protecting yourself from (fear of failure or rejection?), or is it that you’re priming yourself to do what is necessary, by voicing your fears to become aware of the potential pitfalls and then doing it anyway - if it’s the latter, then that’s far more useful and empowering.
If it’s the former, however, ask yourself what is the worst that could happen? Instead of being anxious about what could possibly go wrong, why not be excited about what could go right? Taking steps towards a goal can lead to a feeling of happiness and a sense of self-respect in the process.
I’ve studied a lot of self-development, philosophy and psychology books, I’ve researched more aspirational, life-hacking papers/podcasts than I should comfortably admit and I also have some lived experience, including a fair amount of pain and suffering in this life, and one recurrent truth I have gleaned from it all is…
Happiness, in and of itself is a shitty goal to aim for in life.
It really is. Happiness is ephemeral, it’s like a cloud, besides how do you even define it? It’s a fleeting feeling, it’s elusive. How can you make something that’s so transient in nature, a goal to be aimed at? Talk about literally moving the goalposts!
So that one truth I mentioned? Happiness is not a destination, it stems from taking a worthwhile journey, as a side-effect of living a life of meaning and purpose, which is different for everyone.
Many people lead empty, vacuous lives doing soulless jobs involving busy-work that never ends - I say this not out of judgement, but compassion. I’ve done plenty of pointless busy-work myself.
We numb ourselves by constantly searching for the drip-drip dopamine hit through endless scrolling, leaning heavily on substances to feel something - alcohol, drugs, junk comfort food, social media spats, nonsense TV shows, retail etc - whatever your particular poison may be.
Not only do these leave us feeling empty and still searching, it steals time and focus away from us, it also diminishes our health and capacity to feel genuine joy.
What’s the antidote I hear you ask?
Well, it’s not sexy and you probably won’t like the answer but here it is…
It is intentionally striving towards something meaningful to you, a goal that’s just out of reach. If it’s just out of reach, it feels attainable but will ensure you keep striving towards it. The trick of it all is, the satisfaction comes not from achievement or attainment per se, but in the actual striving itself.
Take Christmas for example, it’s often an anti-climax but the build-up is where the magic is! Or you sign up for a marathon, you cross the finish line…. was it joy or relief in finishing the 26.2 miles, or was the real joy in those first training runs because you were building towards and aiming for something greater than you? Something that’s difficult.
“No-one is perfect. People make their mistakes as they stumble uphill.”
- Dr. Jordan Peterson
Happiness arises as a residual benefit of meaningful striving, even struggling towards a goal - this is purpose. It might be uncomfortable initially, but taking small steps towards a greater goal is where the elixir of life is.
Plants grow towards the light.
So, please may I politely ask you to abstain from “yeah butting…” your way through life, stop protesting too much about why you can’t or won’t; and why you can and will?
Risk something, put some skin in the game, join that club, help someone, cook dinner from scratch, dust off your guitar, dig out your old art or calligraphy set, write that first sentence of the book you’ve always said you were going to write, finally use that gym membership you’ve been paying for, call that person you want to re-connect with, initiate a conversation with a stranger, see what you might learn.
Snap out of your unthinking, lazy habitual patterns and see what’s around the corner.
And besides, we’ll all be dead soon*, so just crack on with it - it’s later than you think. What have you got to lose? Time will pass anyway, you may as well try a few things out in the meantime?
Start today, or tomorrow, or the next time you find yourself attempting to say “yeah but…” don’t say it, suck it up, take the feedback, advice, guidance from whomever or whatever the situation is - learn, then direct that energy in striving towards your dream. Whether you reach it or not is mostly irrelevant, the trying is where the growth is.
The body you want isn’t achieved in that first visit to the gym, but it is created by sustained effort over time. Same with anything else you care to mention - there are no shortcuts, no life hacks, no secret sauce, no magic pills - just repeated effort and steady progress based on the consistent choices we make BUT… it starts with no longer fighting for our limitations (just being aware of them), and working with what we’ve got.
So please, no more “Yeah buts…”
Love
Peter x
*Reminding us of our mortality is a Stoic tenet called Amor Fati which is “love of fate”or “love of one’s fate”. I use it as a way to shake people out of their apathy, as opposed to adding to any feeling of anxiety.
We know we’re going to die one day, so it’s up us to live a life before that eventuality occurs.
